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Bloviating Zeppelin: The LARK Program

Bloviating Zeppelin

(in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The LARK Program

(Thanks Don!)

A concerned Liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of terrorists being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received the following reply:


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letters of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) it his might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it? Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.

You take good care of Ahmed -- and remember -- we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially,

Donald Rumsfeld

17 Comments:

Blogger TexasFred said...

OK, I am stealing this, gonna post it in my blog and link back to you...

Nothing like spreading a good thing around...

Thu Feb 16, 07:29:00 AM PST  
Blogger Gayle said...

This is great! Absolutely fantastic. I won't post it, as Fred is, but I will mention it in an existing post and link back to you!

Thu Feb 16, 08:10:00 AM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Folks: Why, thanking you most kindly!

My form of: put up or shut up. Easy to complain; how about some damned solutions!

Thu Feb 16, 09:01:00 AM PST  
Blogger Gayle said...

You're welcome, BZ.

Solutions would really be nice. At least "realistic" solutions would!

Thu Feb 16, 12:09:00 PM PST  
Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

I'm linking back to you too. Brilliant. Now if only we can start a "Liberals Adopt a Drug Addicted Welfare Bum" program.

Thu Feb 16, 12:39:00 PM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Patrick: that should be next.

Along with my mandatory Gun Objector's sign posted in front of every home with a liberal bent:

"OWNER POSSESSES NOR CARRIES ANY GUNS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD."

Thu Feb 16, 01:15:00 PM PST  
Blogger Justthinkin said...

How about a sign that says DEAR CRIMINAL, I AM A LIBERAL, THEREFORE DO NOT BREAK DOWN MY DOOR.SIMPLY BACK UP YOUR TRUCK AND I WILL HELP YOU LOAD.

And Patrick...I thought there already was a program for that called tax-payers!!

Thu Feb 16, 04:52:00 PM PST  
Blogger bigwhitehat said...

Congratulations my friend. Set the date yet?

Thu Feb 16, 05:19:00 PM PST  
Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Roommate from Hell!! (hahaha) I say this program would be worth our tax payers money....Actually it may eliminate the lib population all together (brilliant)....hope it takes off soon. No filibuter on this one!! (LOL)

This is hilarious....love it.

P.S. Wonder if their menu will be as good as what they are getting now....plus the music at gitmo?

Thu Feb 16, 05:41:00 PM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

JustThinkin: Yeah, good point; every good Lib SHOULD help load -- and then pay for the honor of being in their presence and commiserating with their plight.

BWH: Yep. Valentine's Day 2007. Yowza!

Suzie: if the DEM, Dems and Kofi get what they want, Gitmo will be an ex-base.

Thu Feb 16, 07:05:00 PM PST  
Blogger John The Patriot said...

Great stuff. Excellent post

Thu Feb 16, 11:26:00 PM PST  
Anonymous rightwingprof said...

It just needs one little revision, here.

Fri Feb 17, 04:18:00 AM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

RW Prof: yeah, well, I guess that really WOULD be doing what I term "the logical extension" -- why stop where my post stopped? I like it quite a bit!

And RW Prof: welcome aboard! Good to see you!

John the Author: thanks, sir!

Fri Feb 17, 11:22:00 AM PST  
Blogger Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden said...

02 17 06

NOW THIS IS A TRUE MASTERPIECE BLO ZEP!!!!!!! My word! Amazing. This will be in my next blogwatch post!!!! ha!

Fri Feb 17, 01:52:00 PM PST  
Blogger The Catskill Chronicle said...

May I expect my terrorist via Overnight FedEx?

I have some Willy Nelson albums I want to have him throw for skeet practice.

Fri Feb 17, 02:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger Three Score and Ten or more said...

You ARE naughty. tut tut. (big grin)

Fri Feb 17, 08:41:00 PM PST  
Blogger Nightcrawler said...

One problem: Liberals are against homeschooling! Other than that, you hit the nail on the head.

Sun Feb 19, 11:39:00 PM PST  

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