Change

"What a long, strange trip it's been."

Truckin', by The Grateful Dead

I recently returned from an ocean trip with my fiance to the Fornicalia coast. We saw the crashing twenty-foot winter waves assaulting the cliffs of Mendocino. We stayed in a hotel with a jetted hot tub just underneath a window providing a western view to the Pacific and the jetties lining the entrance to Noyo Harbor. The photo below is what I saw through the window.

Adjacent to the tub was a gas fireplace. At dusk the gulls and other birds wheeled by at eye-level whilst the waves pounded, the surf hissed as we listened through the slightly open patio door, and we watched the sun dissolve into the horizon as the fog approached, a foghorn sounding.

And yet, despite that, there is a serious unease I sense in my world. What should be comforting and relaxing merely delayed what I somehow knew was coming, lurking, hulking, in the back of my mind. A sense of something more than myself, of anxiety, of a pressing, looming presence, that nagged at the back of my brain while I attempted to enjoy my fiance and the surroundings.

It wasn't until I had gotten home a few nights ago that I recalled the significance of this new year; it wasn't that I hadn't made resolutions. No; I had made them and then, buttressed by this feeling, decided that I was going to take these resolutions most seriously. I would change my health patterns entirely.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized the source of my bad feelings.

I awakened at 4:30 am, sat bolt upright in bed and put on my clothes. It was pitch dark outside, the pines slightly blowing. I checked the thermometer: 25-degrees. I felt enclosed, trapped in the bedroom. I had to get outside. I grabbed the keys and began driving and thinking.

And then it came to me, the reason for my anxiety: it was 2007.

In my life, as far back as I can recall, very bad things have occurred to me in years ending with the number 7. To mention a few things not too private to express in public:

• 1977: I ended a tumultuous relationship with a serious girlfriend and lost my job;
• 1987: I was told my wife wanted a divorce; I got into a major accident on I-5, that made my vehicle a full 2' less wide than when issued from the factory; I was shot at twice while on my new job;
• 1997: I had some other personal experiences that almost completely severed the relationship with my parents; I had to leave one privileged assignment for a completely demeaning assignment due to a series of political maneuvers and lies at work;
• There were many other issues I cannot mention.

And now 2007. I have a crushing anxiety. Sleep has been minimal. I have a very bad feeling about this year. And I have a overarching sense of mortality, such that I have been re-evaluating every aspect of my life and asking various Large Questions. Important questions.

Change is in the air for me. I know not how or when, or if it will be good or bad. It is not helping that my fiance has just now been assigned to a new work schedule which leaves us with roughly one congruent day off together. I will not be able to share any more meals with her. I will be asleep when she returns from work, and I will leave for work while she sleeps. My bed was empty last night. It will be empty tonight.

There is a shoe present and I sense it is about to fall.

BZ