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Bloviating Zeppelin: No Links

Bloviating Zeppelin

(in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

Monday, December 24, 2007

No Links


Today, no links. I've re-written this three times and I think that's enough.

Just thoughts, in a random pouring. At night, from my second floor, listening to Brian Eno's "Another Green World." The window is cracked open slightly, so I can hear the trains as they attempt to ascend the Number Two track over the original Transcontinental line. It's 27-degrees outside but still I feel warm.

This past week a fellow officer died. In a one-in-a-million happenstance. A 16-year-old snap-fired and killed this deputy with a one-in-a-million shot. He is dead but I live on.

I spent four years working our jail system, 7 years in Patrol. 7 years in Detectives. I worked Theft, Child Abuse, Warrants, Robbery, Homicide. I worked for the FBI. For the US Marshal. I've been in literally hundreds and hundreds of life-threatening situations. Effected hundreds of arrests. Written warrants. Brought suspects back on extradition from other states. Been in three shooting situations, one which resulted in the death of a suspect. And yet I'm still here. Writing this tonight. Knocking down a St. Pauli Girl. With a liver the size of Kansas and a congested heart to match. Yet I still walk upright.

What is that, literally, all about? Why is that deputy at 37 gone, and I'm still ambling about? What's the plan? And why can't I see it? And why make that deputy's wife ask the same damned question?

Why wasn't it me on any number of prior occasions? What makes me any "better" than that deputy? Because, certainly, I am not. I am, admittedly, much less.

I don't have kids; I'm too selfish for that. Altruism stayed two states away from me my entire life. I'm about as sociable as Carcharodon carcharias. Every manner of whatever meagre "success" I've achieved in my so-called "career" was acquired by careful study, replication, concentration. I was not by nature either smart, clever or "people-wise." I was and am generally immature and masked. Entering law enforcement was, on one hand, the smartest thing I ever did in terms of life skills. The absolute smartest thing I've done in my life is to marry my second wife.

Even to this point there are days I feel I'm masquerading as a real, caring human being. Sometimes I feel nothing more than a child all masked-up in adult clothing. I am frequently thankful that normal humans are generally so incredibly dense as to not see me for what I truly am. It frequently amazes me that the bulk of humans encountering me, being that ignorant, can conduct any semblance of lives themselves. I have evidently, then, done some kind of excellent job of mimicking real human behavior.

And yet, despite that, years of conducting myself in such a falseness, the truly great continue to fall and I continue to live. To put it in the colloquial: "What's up with that?"

This isn't a plea for sympathy; this is me being, for once, honest.

The Good get taken daily, hourly, by the second. It's not just a cliche. Because here I continue to sit.

If that isn't horrific irony, I don't know what is.


BZ

15 Comments:

Blogger Ranando said...

Why?

Why was it not you?

Because someone has bigger plans for you my friend.

Just think, if it had been you we all wouldn't be reading this post. This post would have never been written and that, right there is a great reason your still here.

I can feel your sadness, your sorrow in this post and I'm truly sorry.

Sun Dec 23, 07:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Heavy sigh. Thank you, Ranando. But I still Question.

BZ

Sun Dec 23, 07:13:00 PM PST  
Blogger Ranando said...

Of course you do and you always will.

You're only human.

Is there somewhere where I can donate or help in your friends honor, I would be more than honored to do so.

Sun Dec 23, 07:34:00 PM PST  
Anonymous gunz said...

Wow, I don't know what to say and not feel like I said it wrong BZ..

But I'm sorry too. I couldn't imagine...

Dang.

Sun Dec 23, 08:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger Bloviating Zeppelin said...

There is nothing yet established. The funeral is set for this coming Thursday. I'm not sure I have the courage to attend. If you want to donate to something "local" for us, I can only suggest: http://www.sacchaplains.com/templates/System/default.asp?id=40401

They don't care who you are, where you came from. They were called to EVERY homicide scene I attended. The help victims, cops, family members, dispatchers, medics, they don't care who you are. If you are affected by death, they simply HELP. And I can attest your money won't go to some ridiculous fund. It goes to gas for their cars, for rent on their small Rancho Cordova office space. They are local and they work. Simple as that.

BZ

Sun Dec 23, 08:24:00 PM PST  
Blogger Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden said...

12 23 07

First:
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Second, this was a post showing deep contemplation and you know, at some point most of us ask ourselves that question. How come it wasn't me? I know that you once said you were an atheist, so in such terms perhaps the laws of probability are on your side.

On the other hand, the world NEEDS honest people like you. The world needs people who speak their minds and live a life such that they are always helping people. You help SOCIETY in your profession.

I know your question cannot ever be answered in this waking life, but thank your lucky stars nonetheless.

As ever, this is why I have always loved coming to your blog; you speak from the heart.

Thanks.

Sun Dec 23, 10:35:00 PM PST  
Blogger TexasFred said...

BZ, some speak their concerns, yet they have NO clue of what you speak, they have never 'been there'...

From one that has, I feel the same way BROTHER, I know where you come from, and I am always here with a broad shoulder to lean on if you need it...

Merry Christmas to you and yours, enjoy the season BZ, don't question life and all the reasons 'why' my friend, just accept it for what it is, that's all we CAN do, otherwise, you can drive yourself over the edge, and that is NOT an acceptable occurrence...

Mon Dec 24, 07:35:00 AM PST  
Blogger The WordSmith from Nantucket said...

I feel I'm masquerading as a real, caring human being. Sometimes I feel nothing more than a child all masked-up in adult clothing. I am frequently thankful that normal humans are generally so incredibly dense as to not see me for what I truly am.

I think the fact that the death of your fellow officer has affected you so, that you are introspecting and questioning, speaks otherwise to the notion that you aren't a caring human being, masquerading.

God bless.

Mon Dec 24, 09:22:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am in law enforcement and as I read your post realized how many things in your life literally mirror mine, no kids, etc... This is strange how these things seem to be one and the same as I too have felt like you as my life continues. Hang in there and try and keep yourself busy. I found this always helps time pass when things are not going well.

Mon Dec 24, 09:32:00 AM PST  
Blogger A Jacksonian said...

Making your peace with death is damned easy... it is making your peace with life that is difficult.

Everyone does the former *perfectly*, once.

No one does the latter well, continually until you get the one-time thing.

Your fallen comrade does not die so long as you live with his ideals and honor the person he was. You cannot take his place or be him, but you can ensure his work is not lost by doing your work with him in mind. His wisdom lives with you so long as you let it and do not agonize that his was not exactly yours.

Grief and tears are for the living so we may express our loss. When they become all we are, then we are lost and that memory diminished by letting grief replace it. When you let go after grieving it is only the grief that is gone, not the memory and not the goodness you knew of him.

The hardest thing to let go of in life are grief and regret.

The hardest thing to pick up is that you are more than just grief and regret.

Do not forgive those that have acted barbarically, and do not forget the goodness of the life taken so that you may cherish it and live knowing it was good.

As I speak of 9/11:

Never forgive.

Never forget.

Mon Dec 24, 10:34:00 AM PST  
Blogger shoprat said...

Maybe his death had nothing whatsoever to do with your life.

Then again, maybe this introspection is part of what it's all about.

If you feel that you have to think about your life, then perhaps you really need to.

Have a Merry Christmas anyway.

Mon Dec 24, 01:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jenn of the Jungle said...

Embrace your inner bitch, I did and I've felt better ever since.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now, the holidays are not a good time to be mourning, and all the cheer and crap can grate if you are. Trust me, I know.

My thoughts are with you. Chin up, I have a feeling most people in our lives who pass on would rather we celebrate life than mourn their death.

Mon Dec 24, 02:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger Bushwack said...

I feel your pain bud, and I frequently ask myself the same questions...
My wife says it's because something bigger than us has a plan for you. I believe that to be true.

While the plan might not be grand or glorious, it is a plan just the same.

It might be something as simple as this post you wrote, it might have touched someone in a way that changed them....

Enjoy you St Paulie girl, but I really wish you would choose a better beer....YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Jenn sometimes is in touch with her OUTER BITCH as well.... LMAO Luv ya girl.

Mon Dec 24, 03:23:00 PM PST  
Blogger TexasFred said...

Bushwack said...
My wife says it's because something bigger than us has a plan for you. I believe that to be true.
*************
Mine says pretty much the same thing, personally, I think it's all a matter of numbers...

When yours is up, adios...

Mon Dec 24, 05:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger TexasFred said...

Bushwack said...

Enjoy you St Paulie girl, but I really wish you would choose a better beer....YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
***************
Beer Pimp...

Mon Dec 24, 05:51:00 PM PST  

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