Cloverfield

I so wanted to enjoy this movie!

I'm a child of the '50s, literally raised on monster movies. The trailers looked enticing. Something of a modern-day Godzilla with current CG technology? I couldn't wait!

I saw Cloverfield the weekend it opened.

When it finished, just shy of 90 minutes later, my wife was physically sick and I had to relinquish my next movie pick. I was not pleased.

JJ Abrams, involved with the TV series Lost (which I actually enjoy) seems to think that "cheap" is the way to go. Don't get me wrong; there were a few compelling scenes in the film. But a few scenes does not an excellent movie make.

Problem # 1:

The Shaky Video Camera Syndrome (a la Blair Witch Project) is SO passe. It is SO yesterday and, now, overdone. No one told us: the ENTIRE film is based upon one asshole holding a videocam and -- moreover, the shaking NEVER FUCKING STOPS. It only gets worse. It made my wife physically sick, which is why I write this post to warn others.

Problem # 2:

Beginning with the SVCS, in a film that is under 90 minutes, the entire lead-up to the actual realization is not only banal, it is beyond boring. JJ: dude, your characters are cardboard. The "party shots" go on and on and on -- oh, let me be generous -- about FIFTEEN MINUTES TOO LONG. Because of this, you force the audience to not give a shit about who lives or who dies. Your two male leads look too much like each other. I know: let's not only piss off the audience, but let's confuse them.

Problem #3:

If your characters are representative of this current generation, with limited vocabularies such as you display, then I recommend the monster and its concomitant louses kill all of our kids. Kill them all. They have not the mental capacity or verbosity to deserve life.

BOTTOM LINE:

Don't spend your $10 on this movie. And even when it comes to DVD, hold it at arms-length. Trust me: it'll get stamped to DVD in a month or two, discounted by Costco or Sam's Club. Rent it, don't buy it. You'll thank me for the savings you incurred.

BZ